Saturday, November 28, 2009


I happen to love food.

My love for food is likely what contributes most to my rather roundish shape. Food is a wonderful thing, and we were blessed with bodies designed to not only need food, but also designed to enjoy food. To taste it, smell it, & savor it.

Food gives me time to enjoy the company of my family and friends. I don't belive the social aspects of breaking bread together are anything new, or unique to our modern world. I'm pretty sure that long, long, ago Oggetta and Hagar sat down in the opening of their cave, gathered their friends, and tore into the flesh of a wooly mammoth together.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009


I'm the only person I know who has been punched by the President of the United States.

On October 28, 2004 I was fortunate enough to get to greet President George W. Bush as he got off Air Force One. We shook hands, talked for a few minutes, then he decided to punch me in the shoulder.

I thought it prudent to not punch back.

Monday, November 23, 2009


I very much dislike the gay-rights political movement. I'm not sure exactly what gay-priders expect to accomplish with pride parades and the like, but it gets on my nerves. Which, now that I think about it, might actually be their goal.

I very much believe that what people do with their penises in the privacy of their own house, car, or bus station bathroom is their own business, not mine or the government's. As long as you don't impose your genitals on my genitals, we'll get along just famously. If two gay people want to get married, I absolutely cannot find any reason to deny them that happiness. No one has yet to make a credible argument for me explaining how two people of the same sex getting married will hurt me... because it won't. Of all the problems the world faces, and of all the horrible sin that's in the world, is two people loving each other really something that should concern us?

So... do whatever you want with your genitals, except putting them on parade.

Sunday, November 22, 2009


I'm a huge believer in karma, or balance, or yin and yang, or whatever you want to call it. Hanging in front of me is a little note that says, "3,535." Few people know what it means to me, but here's the short version:

Once upon a time someone did something evil. I smiled and thought to myself, "He'll get his." Exactly 3,535 days later, Karma came along and bitch slapped him. Every time I'm dealing with a difficult person or situation, I just remember that it might take 3,535 days ... but it will get better.

Also, every time I do something screwed up or mean, I'm reminded that just when I least expect it, 3,535 days later, karma might make me zip my scrotum up in my jeans. Karma's funny that way.

Be a good person. You don't want karma to zip your nuts.

Saturday, November 21, 2009


I was fortunate enough to meet the love of my life when I was 18.

Today, I'm even more fortunate that she's stuck around all these years. She puts up with my iPhone addiction, beer brewing, politics, laziness, grumpiness, trips to the mountains, frivolous spending, and weird work hours. Being married isn't easy; being married to me must be damn near impossible.

Come to think of it, I kinda hope she doesn't read this... Seeing all that listed in one place might be enough to make her want to split.

Which would suck, because there's no one I'd rather hang out with, talk to, laugh with, live with & grow old with.

To steal a line from Ronald Reagan, I get lonely when she leaves the room.

Friday, November 20, 2009


My boss once described my musical taste as "eclectic." Mike once described it as schizophrenic. I think Mike's description is better.

As I write this, I'm listening to Tracy Chapman. I was in the mood for blues, and somehow that made me think of Chapman. It'll pass.

At any given time that you might pick up my iPhone, in my playlist you'll be equally likely to find Luciano Pavarotti or Slipknot. The only music you would find to be statistically over-represented would be U2 (Peace & blessings be upon them.)

As an example, my currrent iPhone playlist consists of:

The Brobdingnagin Bards
Chuck Berry
The Cranberries
Haruomi Hosono
Hüsker Dü
The Indigo Girls
Isreal Kamakawiwo'ole
Johnny Cash
Jonathan Coulton
Mark Sandoval
Paula Cole
Social Distortion
Tom Waits
The Violent Femmes

I'm really not sure what, if anything, this says about me. I'll let you decide for yourself.

Thursday, November 19, 2009


I am the only person I know who has a sample of uranium in his basement.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


I can't ski. Snow nor water, I simply can't do it. I've tried both several times, and failed miserably (and quite painfully) every time. I think perhaps it's a genetic defficiency of some sort, although my little brother can snow ski. I'm really not sure why this even made my list, but it has.

The last time I tried to snow ski, I could barely walk for days. I think I resembled a newborn baby deer ... On skis. Not that I've seen a newborn baby deer on skis, but I imagine it would be quite uncoordinated.

The last time I tried to water ski, I had a lake-water enema that I'm pretty sure shot water out my ears.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Twenty Five Things are coming

A year or so ago, one of those annoying little facebook trends went nuts, and everyone was posting "25 Random Things" about themselves. I didn't get into it then... But now, looking to get my creative writing juices flowing again, I think I'll give it a shot.

Due to my tendency to get a bit wordy, my plan is to post one "thing" every day or so until I'm done. (I'm sure that of the few people who read this, even fewer would have the interest to read all 25 items in one sitting.)

A few notes:

1. the things aren't really "random" at all. I'm not sure that a completely sane person is even capable of "randomly" accessing their brain. The items are pretty well thought out, and hopefully written well enough to keep your

B. The order the items appear in is random, at least as random as is possible in keeping with #1 above. Don't read anything into the order of my list. If an entry about "cheese" happens to be listed before "Jesus" that doesn't necessarily mean I worship cheese. (although friends who have seen me with a good slice of cheese may occasionally wonder.)

III. If it gets too sappy or personal for your tastes, screw off & get your own blog where you can write about your man-boobs or whatever interests you. This is my blog: If you don't like it, sue me. (You won't be the first.)

Quatro: You'll see in many of my posts that I'm a person of great internal contradiction. Don't leave comments pointing out my contradictions. Or do. I don't really care what you think, but I'd tremendously enjoy reading your thoughts.

Have a nice day ... I'm off to edit these 25 silly drafts.

My last 6 months...

A quick catch up on a how I spent the last six months away from blogging:

  • Remodeling a bathroom
  • Brewing Beer
  • Backpacking in Colorado
  • Brewing Beer
  • Remodeling a bathroom
  • Brewing Beer
  • U2 in Chicago
  • Performing a wedding
  • Dropping my iPhone in a toilet
  • Brewing beer

I may expand a little on a few of those items in posts over the next few weeks. Some of them, I've already started at some point and just never got back to the draft. I also have an idea for doing a little "25 things about me" series, a-la the annoying viral Facebook trend from a year or so ago.

One thing's for sure... I do still enjoy writing, and have missed it. So I'm not quite done yet.